52 Weeks in Denver: Week 56 in Denver

This week, we bring back the high five, spot hookers at baseball games, shred Hogan Cirque switch, get a free handgun with a new car purchase, watch people get bitched out on national television, and pretend to blow up things.

But first a little commentary.... well, before that, a little music to accompany the commentary:

► Song of the week:

The Presets: "My People" (D.I.M. remix)

► Re-birth of the high-five:

Yes, this was famously immortalized in Seinfeld by Puddy the 167th episode known as "The Dealership" (thanks to general public that put all this mundane shit on the interwebs - source = wiki ... what else?). But it's been over 10 years and the act has seem to have fallen off the face of the earth. I think the necessity of saying "high five" while performing the act is the fundamental reason for its quick extinction from society. But we can revive an ancient tradition if we follow a few simples rules:

(1) Make sure the act to which you wish to celebrate with a high-five is in fact high-five worthy. I know this seems like common sense, but just think to yourself before turning to the person next to you. Do you think they wish to celebrate with a high-five? A go-ahead RBI late in a baseball game deserves a high-five. Unknowingly ordering a round of drinks at a discount during a non-happy hour time frame deserves a high-five. Picking up the overly drunk hot chick at a bar and bringing her back home deserves a high-five. Happy that the new safari edition of Buck Hunter is now at your favorite bar? Not so much.

(2) Be enthusiastic during the giving of a high-five with some instances requiring over-excitement. But be careful not to show too much emotion since the high-five is supposed to be a quick action. The more drawn-out it becomes, the less worth it maintains.

(3) Use the right amount of force when giving the high-five. Guys - remember girls are not as big and manly as you are; delivering too much force with the high-five will no doubt bring the situation to a boil.

(4) Double high-fives are a big no-no and must never be performed. Old people are notorious for giving weak double high-fives since their single high-five is barely noticeable.

(5) When in a group setting, make sure everyone gets the high-five. It's very hurtful to be the lone person that isn't part of the celebration, so be a sport and acknowledge everyone except in the cases where you are high-fiving your buddies because you are about to bring up the overly drunk hot chick with said overly drunk hot chick present during the act, then you do NOT high-five here.

And there you have it. Five simple rules to the high-five.

Also, if you find yourself in the capacity of anti-high-fivers, politely kick them in the nuts and tell them to fuck off.

► Guidelines to bringing a hooker to a baseball game:

Last week, I attended yet another Rockies game along with Paul, Carl, and his wife. Rockies won in rare but great fashion as they came back from 3 runs down to win 4-3. That wasn't the big story of the night. What was the big story of the night was that some old dude brought a hooker to the game and sat in front of us.

"Big fucking deal!" you would say.

And I agree.

However, this was such a trainwreck approach to bringing a hooker to the game, I feel the need to inform my readers of what to do in the situation.

(1) If you're the guy brining the hooker to the game (like women are doing this ... oh that's right, it's call marriage), please remove your wedding band. You're already a scumbag, but at least don't go defacing your wife's pride while you go and boink some nasty skank with a ring on.

Exhibit A through G (somehow, the resolution on my phone was set low so I can't blow them up):

(2) If you're the female hooker, try not to look like something out of an 80's movie staring a future psychotic Scientologist freak. Black top, really short pink skirt, fishnet stockings, bad complexion, bad hair, dandruff on your shirt, and calf-high leather boots is no way to go through life ... it is also no way to look like a hooker. Please consult with Heidi Fleiss.

(3) If you plan on bringing a hooker to a baseball game, please make it believable. If you feel the need to explain what the foul lines mean on more than 3 occasions, please return said hooker and bring one back that at least knows the basics of the game. Pretty damn simple.

(4) You're paying pretty decent money for the hooker. I imagine $100 an hour is the lowest for something with dandruff, fishnet stockings, bad complexion, bad hair, and no knowledge of the game of baseball. With that $100 an hour better come some play, no? When giving the hooker a high-five at the game, do us all a favor and just bend her over and smack her ass. All members of the high-five community will not look at you any differently.

► Got a bitch of a wife? Sell her on Ebay!

The very gorgeous-looking couple:

The auction:

The aftermath:

Click here for the article.

THE hubby who offered to sell his cheating wife on eBay has been given a police caution.

By JOHN TROUP
20 May 2008

The Sun told last week how Paul Osborn, 44, attracted bids of more than £500,000 for Sharon. But cops failed to see the funny side and arrested the dad-of-two. He has now been cautioned for “sending an offensive, indecent, obscene and menacing message” on the web.

MoT inspector Paul, of Bletchley, Bucks, posted the ad after learning Sharon, 43, was seeing a workmate. He included a picture of her picking her nose and offered “my cheating, lying, adulterous s**g of a wife” to the top bidder. He also gave her mobile number.

Callers yesterday received a message from a woman saying: “We are no longer listening, nor do we give a s*** about your opinions.”

The couple are now living apart.

The internets STRIKE again!!

► Handgun or gas - which do you choose?

Dealer Offers Free Gun With Car Purchase

POSTED: 9:26 pm CDT May 20, 2008
UPDATED: 10:30 pm CDT May 20, 2008

Max Motors in Butler is offering anyone who buys a car the choice of $250 in gas or a free semi-automatic handgun. "Like I say, it's a choice -- protection or gas," said Walter Moore with Max Motors. He came up with the gas or guns promotion.

"We got high gas prices, theft, carjackings, innocent people getting hurt," Moore told KMBC's Chris Nagus.

So far, the handgun is a more popular choice. "Right now were running 80 percent toward the gun," Moore said.

"Love guns, we all need to have guns," said Jerry Hertzog, who was buying a new truck. "Guns or gas or fuel, I'll take the gun anytime."

But the idea isn't popular with everyone. One viewer told KMBC that he believes the promotion is dangerous. "I don't understand what's the bad idea. Telling people they have a right to protect themselves," Moore said. "Most of his customers already own weapons. I get in a vehicle to bid a trade, there are guns in the seats, guns in the back windows. Everybody has a gun -- there's no backlash."

Moore said the dealership will hand the customer a certificate to get the gun, but you must pass a background check.

The local police chief said he is OK with the promotion as long as the weapons aren't handed out at the dealership.

Isn't the midwest lovely.

Oh, and this quote needs repeating:

"Love guns, we all need to have guns," said Jerry Hertzog, who was buying a new truck. "Guns or gas or fuel, I'll take the gun anytime."

Guns or gas or fuel? Hmmmm ... maybe that guy's onto something.

► Ebay auction picture of the week (as if the woman above wasn't bad enough, we have more):

Aside from horrible taste in furniture, what else is wrong with this picture?

► Smackdown of the week:

► Skiing recap of the week (Saturday, May 17, 2008):

Day number 61 on the slopes and what a day it was. Bluebird skies, great beer, even better burgers, poaching first descents, air off cornices, and MORE!

So I just give you the summary, now the pics ...

A view of the beach which is considerably more filled in then last year (refer to the early weeks of this blog for reference):